When I'm Gone
by GrimmKurosaki
Summary: What will happen to Kaoru when Hikaru decides to leave? Hints of twincest. TW! Cutting involved. Rated M for safety.


So, I've come a long way in my writing and I decided that I would go and edit all my old fics and check the grammar. So, here you have the edited version of this one.

Please be nice to me on this one! This is my first Hikaru and Kaoru!

+When I'm Gone: Goodbye+

"Hika, I love you," Kaoru whispered in his brother's ear before he buried his face in Hikaru's neck, curled up securely in his warm embrace that felt like heaven against his skin. Sweat covered their bodies, drenching them in their own perspiration from early activities. Ecstasy that once flooded them, their pure lust and deep animalistic feelings for each other, was now love; strong and forever filled with emotion. It held them together in a bond so strong, that it may never break. At least, not completely.

Hikaru's fingers combed through Kaoru's hair, calming him. Soon, his breathing slowed, showing he was in a deep sleep. He kissed his forehead softly, then without waking him, slowly got off the bed, throwing a pair of his brother's pants on and one of his shirts. He grabbed his suitcase and headed for their bedroom door. Before leaving, he looked over his shoulder to see a soundly sleeping Kaoru. Silently, he stared, watching the slow rise and fall that came with each breath his brother took. He looked so... peaceful. And happy. So happy, he almost made the decision to stay.

But it just couldn't be.

"Goodbye…"

As the heartbreaking word slipped over his tongue to be released into the air, tears fell over his face, streaming down his cheeks onto his shirt, making little dark droplets… but never once making a sound. No trembling ensued. Only tears that blurred his vision and stung his eyes. He turned to leave, merely one good thought came through to him.

_'At least…'_ More salty water flowed and he vanished with one reassuring thought. _'At least… I left him happy.'_

+When I'm Gone: Why+

With tired arms, Kaoru reached over on his brother's side of the bed and bolted upright when his hands found only pillows and sheets. Stretching his limbs further to make sure he really wasn't there and he wasn't dreaming, his eyes hurriedly scanned the room of any sign of his presence. The sheets were cold, so that meant Hikaru had been gone for a while now. That worried Kaoru. Where could he have gone, maybe to the store? No, it couldn't be. They had people to do those things for them.

"H-hika…" Slowly, he got off the bed and headed down the hallway, searching the rooms. Still, he found nothing and his heart began to pound in his chest and he then quickly ran downstairs to search the living rooms, kitchens and even closets.

When Kaoru found his brother wasn't in the house, he started to panic. "Hikaru! Where are you!" he called out, feeling his heart pounding harder against his delicate ribcage. He felt lightheaded, dizziness threatening to take over and make his movements slow, his legs growing weak beneath him.

Grabbing a robe, he ran outside to scream his brothers name. "Hikaru! Come back! Where did you go, Hika, why did you leave me!" His mind whirled and he trembled. Hikaru's never left him alone suddenly like this before. Never.

Confused and sick, he let out a groan and fell to the ground, quiet in his troubled rest.

+When I'm Gone: Tense+

Kaoru rose up off the ground sometime later into a sitting position, his mind lost in a helpless mist. All he could picture was his brother; gone. Left abandoned, oh how he wished Hikaru could feel the terrifying pain he caused him, that aweful depression, nagging at him, an emptiness so full… lost. He's the only one he had. The only one to love him unconditionally and make him feel free and complete. But now... he was gone. Emptiness consumed him.

Maybe he was overreacting, though? What if Hikaru really had forgotten to leave him some kind of message before he went out? Then again, he never left unexpectedly and so early in the morning. None of these thoughts made him feel better and he let tears spill from his eyes, working his water ducts to their fullest as he forced himself to his feet, still feeling slightly dizzy.

Quickly, he ran back into the empty, lifeless house, because without Hikaru… it was a broken waste, with only one living, yet lifeless boy.

Picking up his cell off the dresser of their room, he dialed Hikaru's number. It was his only hope.

+When I'm Gone: Kaoru's POV+

'_I'll… I'll wait another night,_' I thought to myself as I skimmed through reasonable possibilities. '_Hikaru wouldn't leave me forever… would he?_'

It was well into the second day of Hikaru's disappearance and there was still no sign of him. No texts, calls, or even a message from a friend saying he was safe and that he was sorry for not informing me of his leave. If that was the case, then my pain and suffering would have been for naught. How lovely...

Finally, I gave up with my thoughts and drifted asleep, my eyelids barely fully closed, too exhausted to think any more. The same dream took me once more.

"_Kaoru! I'm so sorry… I didn't mean to…" Hikaru held onto his younger lover and cried into his arms. "My Hika… don't cry. I'm here. I'll always be here, okay? Just stop crying, I hate it when you cry." _

_"I was so careless, so heartless. Please forgive me, I won't ever leave your side again," he promised, snuggling up to that warm body he had long come to love as more than just a brother, but a lover; his life and his existence. _

_Kaoru smiled down at him, his gaze so tender and loving. "Hika... I forgave you a long time ago. No need for apologies. You're here now, right?" It was the same innocent voice, so soft and smooth to the ears. It was enough to lull Hikaru to sleep. "I love you, Hika. I'll always love you."_

Grabbing onto my pillow, I squeezed it tightly to my body, wishing that I could get some sort of warmth from the object that once cradled Hikaru's head.

So alone…

_'I cant live like this anymore.'_ Tired of sleeping. It was as if I slept simply to dream of him again and it was almost maddening. I didn't want him in my dreams, nor did I want to imagine him. All I wanted was him, the _real_ Hikaru, here in my arms.

I got off the bed and grabbed a hidden razor blade underneath my clothes in the dresser. Not once had it been touched but I kept it hidden there just in case. Every once in a while, I would feel himself nearly slip, my mind being dragged down the wrong path of consciousness. Those times, it was always Hikaru who swept me back up again; always there and always watching as he loved me.

Sitting on the edge of the bed, I stared at the cold material I held so delicately close to my skin that had grown pale from lack of proper nutrients. There was no point in eating anymore. I could feel the stabs of pain in my abdomen every once in a while, but they were minor compared to what they could be in the next few days.

'_This is for you, Hikaru,' _I thought, hoping the message would reach him somehow, in some way, and dragged the razor over my wrist, gritting my teeth and groaning quietly as I committed the horrible act. The blood emerged in a gushing mess and traveled down my fingers. I could barely feel it. The pain was simply... not there. The blood slid over my skin and onto the white carpet below, creating crimson stains. No pain and yet... it feels so much better.

_'For you.'_

+When I'm Gone: Hikaru's POV+

I looked at my texts and deleted the ones from Kaoru, not reading a single word… Resisting the urge to give in and be hurt. Without thinking twice, I turned off my phone.

"Leaving will kill me, for sure. No... It already has. My Kaoru..." I looked out the window of my second flight and whispered quietly, "I'll go to hell."

I'm suffering, shriveling inside. I refuse… refuse to go back. '_I cant… I'll end up hurting him… He cant love me.' _The concept of leaving my brother behind once sounded so foreign, so impossible and unreal. I used to think: surely, that will never happen. I'll always be by his side.

What was I thinking?

I've gone to London, the place where I was suppose to come with my brother. We had planned this trip from the beginning; the money was saved in a bank account and lodgings were already ready to be utilized for our vacation. Kaoru was so excited. The trip was meant to happen in no more than two weeks, but sadly, I just couldn't... couldn't...

'_I'll hurt you.'_

+When I'm Gone: Kaoru's POV+

Just one week and I'm cutting. What would my dear Hika think of me? Pathetic.

'_Hika… Why did you leave me?'_

It was a question I couldn't answer and it drove me crazy. My innocence was now washed down the drain. Every part of me is gone now. Breathing has become a difficult task, the point in my life withered away into nothing more than... well, nothing. I was utterly broken and alone. No one had come by the house. Tamaki and the rest of the club were on their own vacation, their phones nonexistent as they stayed at a resort near the beach for the next couple of weeks. By the time they realize the problem, it would be too late. Simple as that. There was no more hope. I didn't want the police, I didn't want a hospital, I didn't want friends anymore as much as I did when I first discovered Hikaru's disappearance. Everything outside was now pointless. There was nothing more left.

One single sound escaped the confines of my lips that had been sealed for what seemed to be an eternity and I wanted to sob. I wanted to die.

"Hika."

+When I'm Gone: Hikaru's POV+

I had reached a hotel a few hours before and took out a few pairs of clothes to place in drawers. My toiletries were arranged in the bathroom, though not much else was placed. An uneasy feeling made me sick and I sat down at the edge of the bed. My phone was still off in my pocket and I sat there, contemplating.

After a short time, I turned on my cell out of desperation; wanting, needing to drink in the precious words on the screen that would do nothing more than break my heart more that it already was as it lay shattered at the bottom of my stomach. I received a text just a few minutes ago and I let my eyes take in each letter. My heart stopped.

'_Hikaru, six hours. I love you… Goodbye.'_

Not knowing what he meant, I panicked and packed my bags while calling for a ticket back home. I thought only of the worst. What was the worst? What did he mean?

Quickly, I ran out the door of the hotel and got a taxi to the airport. Tears threatened to stream down my face as I tapped my fingers on my knee in nervousness. '_Kaoru…'_

Minutes later, the driver had come to a stop and I paid him, throwing the money at him while jumping out the door. People stared, but I didn't care. No, I didn't notice them. My eyes focused on the path in front of me, the only one that would lead me home.

"Please, Kaoru, what are you planning?" I asked myself, rushing to my flight. Boarding the plane, I took a seat next to a window in the back that was private. Out of breath from the rush, I inhaled deeply and thought about the countless prayers I remembered from when I was younger, reciting each and every one in my head. The thought of finding Kaoru laying dead in a pool of blood flooded my mind and I couldn't fathom what they meant. Persistent, they urged me to visualize the macabre possibilities and I very neared the edge to panicking once more.

But here, in the back of the plane, I could worry. Here, where no one could see, I could think. I could choke on tears.

'_No one will see me crying.'_

…...

After four and a half hours, I arrived at the airport and pushed through the thick crowd of people, ignoring the many curses directed my way. I rushed out the door and called for my second taxi, hopping in and yelling directions, surprising the cab driver. It felt like forever as he drove through the streets.

As time passed and we got closer to my location, I tensed. He pulled up in front of our huge home and I wasted no time in paying before rushing inside. I stopped dead… My heart failed me as I stared at the sight.

"Kaoru!"

Blood covered the floor, painting it dark crimson. Kaoru lay propped against the wall by the front door; his face pale as the blood gushed from the cuts on his wrists that currently lay limp on the floor at his sides. It was gruesome and I had to fight the urge to look away, or even run from the nightmare. Because that's what it was-a nightmare. And it was my fault.

"Kaoru, damn it!" I grabbed him underneath his legs and shoulders, hoisting him into my arms bridal-style and ran out the door, heading to the nearest hospital around the corner. Out of breath, I stepped inside and went straight for the nurse at the front desk.

"This is an emergency, please! He has massive loss of blood, hurry!" People stared as I screamed in desperation at the nurse, who was now rushing around the desk. She grabbed me by my arm and dragged me through emergency room doors.

"Lay him here, we'll take care of him." Doctors suddenly swarmed around me after I set my brother on the hospital bed. Immediately, they ran down the hall and placed him in a private room, I stood and watched in a corner of the room and looked on as they soaked up the blood with cloths, while another stuck him with a needle, setting him up with an IV.

Silently I watched, while hot tears streamed down along my cheeks. I trembled; shaking with hurt.

By the time my tears had dried, the doctor had researched his blood type and gave my brother a blood pack, attached to the IV. The room was now quiet as I sat in a chair by Kaoru, leaning back, studying his still pale face. Not much color had appeared back to his flesh. I waited; minutes passing. And as each minute passed, I became more restless, I wanted to hold him, let him know I was here; waiting desperately for him.

…...

Another minute passed and finally I saw his eyes flutter. I stood and leaned over him, resting my arms on either side of him as he opened his eyes. "H… Hika," he tried to speak, and at once I quickly silenced him.

"Shh… I'm here now, Kaoru." I slid onto the bed beside him and held his hand as he looked at me with glassy eyes. "I'm here, don't cry. I'll never leave you again…" At this, tears overwhelmed Kaoru's eyes, streaming down his face in large amounts. With shaky movements, he turned to cuddle against me.

"Why are you crying…?" My eyes grew watery. "You should be happy." All Kaoru did was take one last, sorry glance at me before falling asleep in my arms.

+When I'm Gone: Last 'I Love You'+

A half hour later, Kaoru awoke, his eyelids wanting to stick together from the dried tears. "How long have I been here…?"

"An hour and a half." Kaoru froze and stared up at me. "Kaoru? What's wrong?" He ignored me and softened his gaze.

"Hikaru." His voice was quiet. Once again, more tears appeared.

I waited for him to speak and caressed his cheek, wiping away the salty water from his smooth skin. Still, his voice grew quieter, his eyes closed halfway. "Come close to me." I leaned closer, pressing my lips against his cheek. "Yes, my love?" Kaoru breathed in deeply, then spoke in a tone so soft…

"When I'm gone… just carry on. No more, rejoice. Don't feel no pain… Just smile…"

"Kaoru…" As I looked at him, I noticed his eyes had closed. "K-kaoru, wake up…" I shook him gently, only to hear a soft groan. "Kaoru! No, no, please! Kaoru!" I burst out in cries and yells, screaming for Kaoru to stay awake.

"I… I love you… Hikaru…" I screamed his name over and over until the nurses came rushing in, pulling me to the side to calm me as they checked his vital signs. One stared at me, sorry in her gaze. This couldn't be happening. This couldn't happen to _his Kaoru! _Why? Why did he have to abandon him?

"It's too late… I'm sorry." I let out one last scream before falling to my knees by his side, trembling.

-...-

I sat almost impatiently in the waiting room. '_Six hours…_' I thought to myself, then looked up when I heard footsteps coming towards me, expecting my full attention. Quickly I stood to face the nurse, whose name was Mrs. Yuki by the looks of the tag on her outfit.

"Well, did you find what killed him?" I ask, almost hesitantly. The way she looked at me, the way she tilted her head to the side and stared with sorrowful eyes; a gaze that caught me off guard, and left me to stare back more expectantly than before.

Finally she blinked and took a breath, then spoke in a low tone. "Are you sure… you would like this information? I don't want it to… hurt you," she said slowly, too slowly and quietly.

"I'm sure… please, just tell me, this is my brother… I need to know."

Mrs. Yuki nodded slowly; only once, and slightly, tilting her head forward. "Your brother, he… consumed arsenic. A highly effective poison, silvery-white, brittle and tasteless."

My heart seemed to fail me as I stood, staring past the nurse into nothing. So that's... '_Six hours… poison…' _"Arsenic…"

"Yes, you should send someone to clear the house of the poison. It should be in some sort of small container or vial. It was no accident, I'm sure."

"No, I'll dispose of it myself," I stated, my mind having been made long before. "Thank you, have a good evening, miss." Without waiting for her to respond, I spun and quickly headed out the doors, walking swiftly back to our… my home.

"Poison… Arsenic. Of course!" The closer I got to my room, the more tears I felt pouring down my cheeks. By the time my face hit the pillow, I was screaming once again. '_Agonizing pain…_' I grabbed my stomach, almost as if I could feel the emotions tearing at my body. The loneliness was unbearable, his death… my lover… my brother… Terrifying. The bed was cold, _his side_ was cold and the loneliness was too much to bear. I felt sick to my stomach, wanting to puke and purge myself of all the pain and suffering. I wanted to die.

+When I'm Gone: Final Night+

Hours later-midnight, I found myself at the deep depths of my memory. The lake, our lake; small and surrounded with huge pine trees. Our favorite spot had always been under the lone willow where we shared our most loving moments. Our sacred place, to hide and be free.

The broken pieces of my heart, break into me and shatter… as I reach into my pocket; staring, gazing at the reflection of the stars in the water. Millions of them, calling out to join them in their peace.

In my hand; the vial. My eyes water slightly and I look down, only a few drops had been consumed. "I'm afraid… it won't take long this time. This is for you, Kaoru." I tipped the vial against my lips, every drop slipping fatally down my throat.

_The air you breath in…_

"When I'm gone… just carry on. Just know that I'm looking at you smiling. Don't feel no pain… just smile back."

Without realizing, I had dropped the vial and fell to my knees, staring now blankly into the water. Shaking... Dying, I turn over.

_Fades you to gray…_

I lay on my back, looking onwards now into the real sky above the trees, picturing Kaoru… His smile, his touch, those loving words he would whisper quietly into my ear and make me shiver. How he held me, confided in me... Never left me.

_Lay here…_

The pain now increasing. Such intense pain I could not even comprehend the living world around me. Everything was fading.

_It's safe here…_

Slowly, I'm dying…

_Confide here…_

Easily, I fall away; no struggle, only mental peace. '_Yes… again I will see you… For you, I die.'_

_We can fall away…_

'_Promise me you'll be waiting, my love…_' I say in my head as I clutch the grass at my sides, the corners of my vision turning black, slowly consuming me and pulling me down into darkness to never return.

_Melt into time…_

'_I'm doing this for you…'_

_So intertwined…_

Sudden sharp pain… _'Is this what he felt like…? Kaoru…_'

_Quiet…_

My body stills… but still, my mind plays. Kaoru, Kaoru… One last time, tears fall.

_Hide here, confide here…_

Breathing slows, ever so steadily, coming to a hold. _'I love you, Kaoru…' _Everything dulls, seconds left… Then death. Yes… Kaoru… _'I'm coming home, Kaoru.'_

_Hide here, confide here… so we can be broken open…_

'_For you_.'

-...-

Okay, so I used two songs here: Broken Open by Adam Lambert and When I'm Gone by Eminem, which was my original inspiration for this fic in the first place, even though it doesn't really have anything to do with dying but still.

So, I hope you enjoyed this!


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